It’s been 4 years and 7 months since you left this life and all its pain and suffering.
Four years and seven months and I still think about you all the time, despite the fact that you wanted nothing to do with me right up to the end. It has also taken me this long to get these words out.
If life had gone differently, I would have been your widow and would have had the legal right to mourn you. Instead, we remained on non-speaking terms and wasted so much time hating each other.
You were so full of pride and I so full of ambition. We had to break up. Our lives just were not heading in the same direction. Your sister and mom understood that and they and I remain friends and in touch.
I had explained to you that, if after 5 years together, you still could not decide where our relationship was going, it didn’t make any sense for us to stay together. I just had to go, for my own sanity. I still think it was the right decision, as did everyone else. You would have too, if you had opened your eyes to the truth.
That day when your sister told me about your fatal diagnosis, I had to go and visit her. I stayed the week and begged her repeatedly if I could come and visit you nearby – only a few blocks away. And even then, in your weakened condition, you refused to see me. I had never been more hurt. Pancreatic cancer almost always takes its vicitms within a few months of discovery and I was hoping that with this knowledge, you would have checked your pride at the door for one last goodbye.
But you didn’t.
Three months later, you were taken from us.
I’ve never lost anyone to death before and this was like losing you twice. I’ve never cried so hard for anyone. It was as if all the pain I had made you feel in the past was now being transferred to me.
I’m sorry that you never found it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you. Your sister said that you still kept the watch I gave you early in our relationship. It had stopped working years before but you still held on to it, she said, like you were holding on to a piece of me. So maybe somewhere inside, a tiny piece of your still loved me, although your pride never allowed you to acknowledge my presence.
And now that you’re gone, it’s too late for reconciliation.
I still mourn the loss of our friendship and of you.
So here is my final goodbye to you and just know that you have and will always hold a special place in my heart.
Rest in peace.