“Yours was the one that fell”

My brother is 4 years older than I. As children we were very close and got along relatively well. I liked to read or play alone, while he was always trying to involve me into his game of toy soldiers. He’d set them up in the living room and somehow try to get me to play along.

On the way home from elementary school in the afternoons, we would ocasionally stop off at the corner shop near school and buy one piece of candy. He, being the older one, would attempt to break it in two. Inevitably, one piece would fall to the ground. “That was your piece,” he’d say, and promptly pop the other piece in his mouth.

I used to adore my big brother, but he is a terrible fibber. He tends to spin the longest yarns ever. A little white lie is never enough for him.

He is currently on his second divorce. His first wife threw him out – literally, yes – because of his cheating, but the lies were absolutlely ridiculous. He would disappear on Friday and show up again at home on Sunday night. When asked by his then wife where he was, his excuse was that he was over at my house all weekend. This was during the days before worldwide cell phone usage and I didn’t have a phone at home at the time. Of course, I wasn’t even home all weekend and his wife eventually found that out. Another time, his girlfriend dropped him home one Sunday night, after being out all weekend. When confronted by wife#1 with this, his story went thus:

1. He was at my house all weekend
2. He started feeling ill
3. I left him at my house and drove to this other woman’s house to tell her that he was ill
4. This other woman drove back to my house to get him and bring him home

This was one of the stories that wife#1 told me. I looked at her in disbelief. I said, “He told you that nonsense? Wouldn’t it have made more sense for me to take him directly home to you?”

I didn’t say he was good at lying, just that he would always do it.

After she kicked him out, he moved in with me. I was living alone in my mom’s house as she had migrated overseas. After several months of dating random females, he started seeing another woman, who would eventually become wife#2. One night my phone rang and I answered. It was soon-to-be-wife#2 seeming very surprised that I was there. She asked when I had returned to the country. I told her I had not gone anywhere in the past 6 months. She said that my brother told her I was out of the country that weekend and that’s why he could not have visited her nor could she have come over. (Huh?) I assured her that I was there the whole time. I discovered later on that he had been “entertaining” someone else that very weekend.

She stuck around and they got married 2 years later. He was still lying to his second wife about things like his income or the amount of retirement money he has saved. He would even tell her not to contact me or mom because we don’t like her. This was his way of heading off any uncomfortable questions from her to us.

Did I mention he’s now on the way to his second divorce?

I wish he’d hurry up and get his act together. I really hate playing toy soldiers.

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Categories: family, humor

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